i call this home.

advice?

2009-11-03T22:51:38Z

i am currently working part time and not paying my bills on time.
i was offered a 2nd part time job, but they need me available on a day i am scheduled to work at the job i already have.
i call my manager and ask her to talk to me about scheduling.
she tells me she's at lunch and will call me back.
instead, the owner texts me and tells me my schedule is written in stone until january 4th.
i explain i was offered a second job, but could not accept it unless she was willing to work around this schedule change.
she responds by telling me that would really screw her over and that i don't need a 2nd job.
i respond by telling her that at my current pay rate and part time status, i am unable to survive. that i applied for this other job because i do in fact need to be working 40 hours a week, and i was hoping that the two schedules could work around one another.
she never responded back.
wtf.

literary songs

2009-10-21T16:06:02Z

i want to do a library themed burlesque number. anyone have any suggestions for literary or library related songs that would be fun to dance to? uploads are appreciated!

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-10-20T11:24:00

2009-10-20T16:32:51Z

"But I can't remember the sound that you found for me"

things need to change. and quick. because there is very little difference between running away and being lost.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-10-11T19:57:00

2009-10-12T01:03:33Z

burlesque is amazing.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-09-30T14:48:00

2009-09-30T19:54:45Z

shit.
shit.
shit.
tell me what to do.

running away, part deux

2009-09-06T20:15:55Z

The Longest Way 1.0 - one year walk/beard grow time lapse from Christoph Rehage on Vimeo.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-09-06T12:45:00

2009-09-06T17:53:35Z

because maybe if i was just a little bit prettier, a little bit sweeter, a little bit more quiet, someone would fall in love with me and say, "no, its alright. i'll take care of you. let's get out of this place."

and then i would never come back.

i'm not ready to admit i'm too old to run away.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-08-17T12:34:00

2009-08-17T17:40:13Z

i found out i am (and in fact everyone else i work with) is getting laid off. we have three weeks.

my birthday is saturday.
i'll be a quarter of a century old.

i suppose i could write more, but as you know me so well by now, i won't.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-08-04T16:17:00

2009-08-04T21:22:27Z

is it possible i received the last love letter of my life at the age of 23?

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-07-11T13:48:00

2009-07-11T18:52:23Z

i'm really sick of my life sucking.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-07-07T17:29:00

2009-07-07T22:29:18Z

my kitten is getting xrays.
i'm freaking out.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-07-01T22:16:00

2009-07-02T03:27:18Z

most days, it is hot and i am tired. my car got crunched while parked and unoccupied. i still smoke cigarettes when i am anxious. i am anxious in waves. last night i wanted to grab the boy by his shoulders and shake him until he knew i loved him. tonight i am reading poetry outloud to the kitten. later i will sleep with the puppy and the boy. i am growing flowers on my back porch. the ash tray unexplainably exploded. i hung up one of those hummingbird feeders but have yet to see a hummingbird. i need people to understand that yes my life is small but you can not ignore it. my life is not a dustbunny. my life is not a crumb. i am not invisible. dance class is my favorite part of the week, and it was canceled. i hope i see fireworks saturday. i hope no one gets drunk and mean.

advice, please

2009-06-16T21:04:26Z

if your significant other wanted to go on vacation with you, but you couldn't afford it, would you allow them to help foot the bill?

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-06-14T20:58:00

2009-06-15T02:06:03Z

i feel happy: dancing, reading, snuggling the puppy and kitty, in bubble baths, and when kissed by the mister.

this is not a very long list, but its enough for now.

the showcase went wonderfully, i just wish i had gotten to stay for the final bow. no nervous jitters, no forgetting steps, just an overpowering feeling of happiness and i now feel completely ready to start doing solo numbers.

my life is just work and school, school and work. its making me a grumpy pants and i can't wait for it to be over. anybody know of any good "how to write a resume" sources? i need to get this show on the road.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-06-08T18:32:00

2009-06-08T23:38:10Z

this saturday. off broadway. "babes in tvland" burlesque showcase. $15.
you should be there.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-06-02T18:22:00

2009-06-02T23:27:35Z

he won't tell me he loves me.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-05-29T20:08:00

2009-05-30T01:11:15Z

...because i want to be chased.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-05-24T20:41:00

2009-05-25T01:57:02Z

its getting so hot here. shoulders already sunburnt. i'm testing how green my thumb is. i might be taking a summer class after all. i need a pool to read my books by. i need a swimming cap. i have never written a poem about victor. sometimes it feels strange, loving someone this way. i regained all of my bad habits. this week i am quitting them all again. i am telling myself it will be easy. simple. like pulling a dress up over your head. the walls of my apartment are bare. i need to change that. i need to change things. i want rollerskates.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-05-19T13:54:00

2009-05-19T19:00:59Z

jewish folktales A-
modern lit of the south B+
russian lit C

i'm very happy about the first two, but amazingly pissed about the third. i'm not trying to make excuses for a bad grade, i just honestly think i deserved better. and i think the fact that i wrote a feminist paper might be the reason i was graded so poorly. i had been warned about the teacher (by other teachers) before taking the class, but i thought my writing skills would counteract his dislike for my subject matter. guess i was wrong.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-05-15T13:09:00

2009-05-15T18:12:33Z

blondes have more fun, right?

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-05-13T04:05:00

2009-05-13T09:12:50Z

writing the last paper of the semester. hands shaking. thunder. the kitten purrs in her sleep. i have bills to pay. i have things to do. i want coffee. a doughnut. i need a drink. i want sunlight tomorrow. warmth. me and the puppy in the park. my mister. a neck to place my face against. this morning he tried to let me sleep but i woke up while he was leaving. tomorrow the bad is over. tomorrow everything good begins again. summer.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-05-10T12:59:00

2009-05-10T18:29:29Z

this is called "me, venting." you don't have to read it.

i am unbelievably pissed off at my boyfriend right now. about a stupid movie. which makes me feel stupid for being mad. but i'm mad because its the same thing i always get mad about. and he won't fix it. and i don't know how to change my own feelings, or if i even want to. and there's no one i can talk to about it. so thus, internet venting. because while i'm sure he'd be mad if he knew i was venting to the void which is livejournal, i need to get it out somehow.

so here's the situation. i decided a couple days ago that i really wanted to see the star trek movie. and my thought process, as usual, went "i want to do this. victor wants to do this. we could do it together!" so at the bar friday night, people were talking about how they had already seen it and that it was amazing. so i turn to victor and say, "can we see it together?" and he says, "sure!" and i think "great!" and he says, "do you want to see it sunday?" and i say, "i can't see it that day. :(" he then TURNS TO TWO OTHER PEOPLE AND ASK THEM TO GO WITH HIM ON SUNDAY INSTEAD. and i just sit there. like the idiot girlfriend i am. because i am so in shock that i've been ditched 30 seconds after making plans. i then try to privately (as much as i can in a bar) tell him that i'm upset. and he just doesn't get it. he just doesn't get how hurtful it is to be ditched 30 FUCKING SECONDS LATER. i have to force an apology out of him with a crowbar. and then his solution is to just not go. now i admit, if he had said, "oh shit, i didn't even realize i did that. of course, i'll go with you. hey guys, i totally forgot corinne JUST told me sunday doesn't work for her. let's pick another day." that would have been great. it would have worked out fine. but no, instead he just means "well, if you say i can't go, i won't go." which means, everyone would then think i was a bitch who told her boyfriend what he can or can not do. so i, again like the stupid girlfriend i am, say, "if you want to go on sunday, just go." i want to clarify, i didn't mean this as some stupid girlfriend test. i just meant...don't make me out to be the bad guy. don't make me feel like the shitty person that ruined YOUR plans. so he decides to go.
so it continues. even though the reason i can't go today is because i have a 12 page final grad school paper to write, he keeps asking me to go on sunday. repeatedly. like, i'm not going because i'm just stubborn and trying to fight. and its just frustrating the fuck out of me. but i'm trying to be nice and get over it, so i don't say anything.
so last night he makes a big drunken deal about me sleeping over and how he and i can hang out in the morning. so this morning, we wake up. i wait around while he showers etc. and then we go to the park to walk the dog together. he then proceeds to START CALLING EVERYONE TO MAKE THEIR MOVIE PLANS. and again, i just fucking stand there. wondering how the fuck me standing in a park by myself while he makes plans he DITCHED ME FOR is "us hanging out." so i finally say, "look, if you're just making phone calls, i'm going to go." and he acts like i'm being a bitch for "not holding on." so then, he's all like, "well, i'll just go see it with you later this week if you want." and i say, "don't worry about it, i'll find someone to go with." and then he GETS MAD AT ME FOR NOT INVITING HIM TO THE MOVIE AND MAKING PLANS THAT DON'T INVOLVE HIM. he told me i was doing it just to "spite" him. What the hell???? so i go home, and i'm trying to calm down. and then i find out, he seriously invited the whole fucking world. like, thanks, i'm so glad you made movie plans that include 10 of our mutual friends, including MY fucking best friend, on a day you knew i couldn't go. you fucking asshole. jesus christ. and the thing is, this isn't even the first time he's done this in particular about a movie. he ditched me for iron man when we had plans to see it. when the dark knight came out, he IN FRONT OF ME ordered tickets over the phone for everyone BUT ME.

so logically, i know i have to get over it. its just a stupid movie. i have a friend who said she'd go see it with me later this week. that's fine. but its the fact that this is what happens over and over again. i love victor. with my entire heart. i adore him more than any other boy i've ever known. and i want it to work. but we need to find a way to fix this problem for it to work. and i don't know how to do that if he won't acknowledge there's a problem. because i admit, i mess up too sometimes. i do stupid stuff. i get it. if he wants to talk about it, i would do so. i would make an effort to do better. but he won't talk about. and it doesn't seem like he makes an effort on his side. because everytime he messes up (and yes, everyone messes up. we're human), he won't acknowledge he's messed up. he doesn't want to apologize. he doesn't want to make an effort to solve the problem. he'd rather turn it around and tell me about all the things i do wrong instead. he'd rather make me feel like the bitch who's too emotional, who "gets mad about everything." but the thing is, when i'm upset, when i've just gotten my feelings hurt, making me feel like the fucking smallest person in the world doesn't make it better. and i'm just getting tired of it. i'm tired of making him the most important person in my life, when i feel like he still views me as replaceable. i feel like he takes advantage of the fact that i'm in love with him. like, oh, i can ditch her, because she'll still be here. she isn't going anywhere, so i can do whatever i want. she'll get over it, because i'll tell her to get over it. and it really fucking sucks. because i feel like, at this point in the relationship, i want to be able to depend on him for big things. but instead, i'm realizing i can't even depend on him for little things. for the first time in my life, i want to love someone with my whole heart, and trust him, and be there for him, and have all those wonderful first love moments. but instead, stupid shit like this happens. and its like flashing neon signs that say "no, be careful, he'll hurt you, he'll hurt you, he'll hurt you."

i should start being careful.

after a good cry and nap, i would like to state i am stressed/pmsing/hungover/possibly sick. i did overreact. some of this is just straight out jealousy that everyone was going to go have fun without me. but i'm leaving it here. because one of the most horrible feelings is realizing your boyfriend has forgot about your existence while you're standing right in front of him. and i need to figure out how to explain that someday.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-05-02T12:45:00

2009-05-02T17:48:17Z

i want it to be so warm outside that you can hear the earth humming when you lie in the grass.

notes to myself

2009-04-28T17:31:07Z

so this is the plan:
tonight and tomorrow morning - finish homework, dance class, and prepare my russian presentation on turgenev.
wednesday night to next wednesday - work, a lil play, write my jewish paper, begin my russian and somo papers.
next wednesday to monday - write russian paper.
monday to wednesday - write somo paper.

end of semester:
pay for my summer class.
pay off debts as i can.
go to career services and get my resume out there.
have fun at jeca's wedding.
find new job by end of july.
go to seattle with victor in JULY.
GO TO THE GYM EVERY MORNING. be able to beat up hobos in back alleys. or become a superhero.
take as many dance classes as i can afford - ie, continue with burlesque, look into pole, bellydancing, and ballet.
get my hair all the way to white. build a rocketship and film sci fi movies in space.
officially get my master's and hang it on my wall in a frame and shit.

by autumn:
be happy, healthy, financially secure, wrapped up in scarves, and in love.

kiss_your_elbow @ 2009-04-15T11:52:00

2009-04-15T16:56:13Z

i will be taking adolescent lit this summer and thus completing my master's in july.
next tuesday i will become a blonde.
it seems silly.
but i'm just trying to get things in motion.